I'm So Over You.

.
My nursing boards were scheduled to take place at the Civic Center over a two-day period. I asked Marion if Andrew could stay with her over those two days; I'd do better if I didn't have to worry about him. The first day of the test, the staff ushered us into a large room. We weren't allowed to bring anything in with us and we weren't allowed to leave the room. It was a long and stressful day. That night I went to bed early, my body was drained.

Around midnight the phone rang. "Beth.... This is Dorothy," came the slurred voice, "I'm over at a party.... Will you pick me up...and take me over to Lincoln?"

"No!" I barked and hung up.

_________________________________________________________

That weekend, the nursing boards finally over with, Andrew and I actually began to relax. Having nothing but welfare now money was tight. But it was okay, Andrew and I didn't need much. We went to fairs, the library, and to visit my family. We went to the beach twice a week and spent the whole afternoon doing nothing but play together in the water and lie on the warm sand. If I had loose change, I bought each of us an ice cream bar at the refreshment stand. It was a beautiful, wonderful time.

Unfortunately, it ended too soon. I came home from an overnight stay at my sister's one day and found Troy and Mathew sleeping in the house. They'd gotten in through the upstairs porch door.

I was angry, but didn't show it. Not wanting them to hate me, I didn’t want them to know how I felt. I scolded them and then let it go. My quiet time was over.

The phone rang just as I was falling asleep.

"Tell my dad Cheri had her kid," Misty snapped.

"Tell him yourself," I snapped back and hung up.

_________________________________________________


Mickey came back from Texas, but Paul stayed with his dad. I went into labor in September and Troy drove me in. I didn't call Wilson. Why bother? He knew when I was due. I'd packed my overnight bag for Andrew also, intending that he stay with me. Troy dropped Andrew and me at the hospital door.

Around 5:30 p.m. the next day, Andrew tried to cut his sister's cord. The doctor helped.

Haley's initial color at birth was dark and her face was squashed, accenting her Indian features. My initial reaction to the way she looked was fear. My thought; "I've given birth to an Indian girl who will become a teenage Indian girl."

I was barely out of the shower when Steph arrived half an hour later from work. She very lovingly combed my wet hair out. Erik, Bobby and Chris arrived soon after. All of them took time to hold Haley. I was tired, but so touched and grateful to have them all there. When they left they took Andrew and his belongings with them.

"I'll pick you up and take you home when it's time," Steph offered.

I fell asleep that night comforted by my brothers and sisters. Alone with Haley, my feelings of fear passed.

She was beautiful.
.

Death, Drunkenness, Driving, Dread, Disgust and Despair - and not one ounce of Courage

.
After consoling Mathew at the morgue, Wilson and I visited the brownstone apartment building. Death by hanging does not always happen quickly. In a situation where someone in a noose is dropped from sufficient height, the person may die quickly from a snapped neck, but without height, the person may strangle for several minutes, gagging and suffering before finally succumbing.

As I stepped into the closet where Julia, who was taller then I, had hanged herself, the wooden rod from which the clothing hung just touched the top of my head. She could have saved herself simply by standing up.
Did she hate herself that much? How could anyone hate themselves that much! How deep her despair must have been! Oh, why didn't any of us realize the extent of her suffering? That beautiful girl! Why didn't we visit her? Why didn't I just come and talk to her, be her friend, take her to get her license like I had promised? Something!

That evening, we got a call from a detective in the emergency room at the medical center. Roger had been stabbed in the chest.

"Oh, No," I said. "His sister Julia just died!"
"Julia died?" The detective asked, "Do we know how Julia died?"
"Oh, yes. She was upset about their sister Wanda's accident and she hanged herself".
"Wanda?" He asked hesitantly, "And do we know what happened to Wanda?"
"Yes, she fell down a flight of stairs in a wheelchair and re-injured her back". The detective paused. "Do we know how Wanda fell down the stairs?"
I paused. "Yes. She was upset that Julia didn't want to her help her down the stairs, so she threw herself down them."

At this point the detective must have been wondering if there were some kind of conspiracy against the family. I think, in some backward way, many of us hoped there was. It was too much to imagine that all this could happen to one family in one week's time. Worse - that they had all done it to themselves. It would have been a morbid comfort to have some other explanation.

The social worker in care of Julia's little brother Bradley released him into my care so that he could attend the funeral. I actually had to work that day and couldn't go to the funeral, but didn’t tell her that because I figured it wouldn't matter whether it was Wilson or I watching Bradley.

However, as it turned out Wilson volunteered to take Julia's body back up north to the reservation in our van and Bradley was shuffled into his mother's car. Wilson fell apart up there and began drinking again and Yvonne did not return from the funeral on the day promised. When the social worker called looking for Bradley, I was alone at my house and had to confess I didn't know where Bradley was or when he would be returned.

I was never allowed to take him again.

For the most part, I had learned to live with crisis in this family. But this week had been too much. Once I learned that Wilson was drinking, I couldn't eat or sleep. My stomach churned constantly. I knew that Andrew and I were going to be on our own again. Because I couldn't eat or sleep, I didn’t think I’d be able to properly care for Andrew either, so I called the Crisis Nursery to see if I could place him there for 48 hours. The counselor, one whom I’d never gotten along with, suggested I put Andrew in a foster home. I hung up on her. I just needed help right now, for this moment; not forever.

To my relief Wilson came back a week before our wedding reception. However, he told me he'd have to go back up in a few days to bring Dale and Tammy down. When he left, Cheri went with him. I was nervous about him leaving but couldn't change it. On their way out of town, Andrew and I rode with them as far as my sisters house where we were going to spend the night. On the way I told Cheri about my new pants, blouse, and white blazer that was missing. "Misty was the last to wear them," I said. "She probably took them," Cheri responded.

When Wilson didn't get back on the day he said he would, my stomach again began to churn. I knew I should probably cancel the whole reception, but canceling would be so embarrassing. There was still a chance I was wrong and everything would be okay.

Of course, everything wasn't okay. Wilson rolled his van load of people into my dad's driveway late the night before the party. The entire vehicle reeked of beer. Wilson was drunk. So drunk, he'd allowed 16-year-old Cheri to drive.

"I don't want Andrew around all of these drunks," I told him.
Cheri answered, "Well, we grew up watching my dad drink and if its good enough for us, it's good enough for your kid!"
"Yeah, but look how you turned out," I responded.
"Get in the car," Wilson growled.
"I'll drive the rest of the way to our house," I answered.
"No. Cheri's driving. She drove this far and she'll drive the rest of the way."

I was disgusted, but was too embarrassed to go back into the house and let my family know everyone was drunk. Maybe things could still work out, I hoped.

Driving the open highway is one thing I suppose, but through the city is another and Cheri didn't have any idea how to use the side mirrors of the van.
"Look out!" I hollered, "There's a car right next to you!"
"Shut up," she spat.
"I'm so sick of you and Misty. All you guys do is come in and steal from me. Misty better get those clothes back to me, too."
"She don't have your clothes."
"You said she took them!"
"I did not!"

We made it home and people continued to arrive all that night. How was I to know that when I sent a couple of invitations to Wilson's sisters, forty of his relatives would show up at my house to stay?

And wedding receptions to this crowd meant heavy drinking. While Elaine and her crew were fine, many others I knew only by name and had to tell them over and over again that they could not drink at my house. Despairing, I stayed awake as long as I could, but eventually fell asleep about 4 am.

The next morning, I found Paul sleeping on the floor. He was one of the children that I had given a bed to, but apparently James, now out of jail, and his wife, Gloria, had come in after I had fallen asleep and kicked him out of the bed.

Sickened that Gloria - the woman that beat her own child to death - was in my home at all, I told Paul never again, in my house, to give up a bed that I had given him.

Sure, I could talk tough to Paul, but wouldn't / didn’t say a word to James or Gloria.

Wilson went to the store that morning with James. When he didn't return, I grew more desperate. The party was in just three hours, what happens if he’s drinking again? What if he doesn’t even show up? I had no way to go look for him.

Then Gloria offered to drive me. My sickened feelings about her and what she did to her baby would have to take a back seat to my sickened dread about Wilson. I needed help. After driving around a little while, we finally spotted Wilson’s van at Arthur's bar.

Coming out of the bright sunlight into the dark room, it took my eyes a moment to adjust before I recognized Wilson, his back to me, playing pool. His beer sat on the edge of the table. Walking quickly up behind him, I swung my purse and smacked it down on his head. He swung around. Seeing me, he started to laugh. The most frustrating thing was there was nothing I could say that he didn't already know. There were no words that could make any difference.

James got into Gloria's car and followed Wilson and me in the van. Back at the house I didn’t know what to do. I was supposed to go up to Dad’s house to help my sisters get the yard ready but I didn't want to leave my house to these people. No one was here to watch my things. Elaine was busy making a dish to bring to the party, but I knew I couldn't trust the others, including Wilson.

I was leaving my home unprotected. But my sisters were waiting for me and I couldn't call them and tell them anything was wrong. So I thought I had no choice. I took Andrew and left for Dad’s house.

Relax, You're on the Rez. Nothing Matters.

.
I went to visit Wilson on the reservation in late July. I couldn't stay long; my daycare finally had a child so I had to be back home on Monday. Wilson was staying at Dale's apartment in town. I didn't tell him I was coming; I just showed up.

When I arrived, a lot of people were drinking on the dirt lot that served as a yard. They told me Wilson was inside. The tiny apartment was dark and hot. I don't know how many people were there, too many to count in the dark. Wilson was sitting in a chair by the wall, his chin resting on his chest. I walked over and plopped Andrew into his lap. His head snapped up, startled. It took him a moment to realize it was Andrew on his lap, and then he looked up, grinning.

"Ohhh! Et's youu!" he slurred.

I stayed a couple of days. I didn't mind the partying. In fact, I felt comfortable. I was there helping people. I bought fruit for the kids and toilet paper for everyone else. I was needed. And during the day, Wilson and Dale were sober, having a couple beers only to ward off the shakes.

Little Wally was old enough to be learning to pee in a coffee can in Dale’s kitchen. Most of the day, he and Andrew sat in the cool black dirt outside the apartment and dug holes with spoons while the adults lounged in the shade of old elm trees. The little boys were filthy, but it didn't matter. They were happy and the adults were content to just sit and watch them.


Grandpa Walter no longer knew me. His dementia had worsened and he had begun forgetting people, starting with his most recent acquaintances. Naturally, I was one of the first he forgot. Because our relationship had died, I felt grief just as you would when someone dies physically. It’s hard to know how to act when you walk into a room and the person is still physically there. I had to stop myself from speaking to him as I used to, because he would only look at me and then back to his children, as if asking them who I was. Our relationship was gone and I had to treat it that way.

________________________________________________

Because of a car accident some time ago, Dale got an insurance settlement of $5000. He was encouraged to buy a tract house, which sold for only $1000.

"If you buy a house, you won't have to worry ever again about where your family will live."

"Nah," he answered, "I was born poor and I'll always be poor."

Dale took a whole carload of people to the go-carts and then to eat. After that, he and the others drank the rest of the money up.

_______________________________________________

Dorothy was driving around drunk. Stopping at Dale's, she slid out of the car.

"Would youse watch Paul for me?" she asked Wilson and Dale as she leaned unsteadily against the car. Paul was in the back seat, staring out the window.

"I don't have no where to go," she went on, "and he needs a place to sleep."

Wilson and Dale both shook their heads 'no'.

'Come on, bro, "she argued, "he can't be sleeping in the car."

"Well, sober up then and take care of him!" Dale admonished.

As she was leaving I pulled on Wilson's arm.

"You should have taken him. What if she gets in a wreck?"

"But if we took him, we'd end up baby-sitting for days."

__________________________________________

Wilson took Andrew hunting for an afternoon with Dale and Wally. They all piled in the car and drove through the forest for a couple hours; Dale and Wilson shared a six-pack between them. Tammy and I stayed home. Having no goals in life does have its advantages. There are no schedules to keep or deadlines to meet. Forget pressure; forget trying to pay bills. If someone comes after you for money you owe, just pick up and go somewhere else. In the meantime, don't worry about it. You can sit out on the worn, wooden stoop, feel the sun on your arm and the light breeze in your hair, and do nothing.

Well, I could pretend I had no responsibilities for only a couple days. I liked being at Dale and Tammy's and didn't want to go home, but I owned a daycare, so I finally left, driving home alone with Andrew.
.

Andrew: Visiting Dad at the Workhouse, Grandpa on the Rez

.
With Wilson put away for six months, I considered moving out of state as soon as I finished school. But when it got right down to it, I was too scared to leave my family. So I stayed. I even installed a phone, which Wilson then began calling on. He only had a few minutes to talk; there were many other inmates waiting their turn. But he begged me to stay with him and to please be around during the times that he had phone privileges. I didn't make any promises. He asked me to come visit. I agreed initially, telling myself I was only doing it for Andrew's sake.


The aged brick building, long and maybe three stories high, could have been a factory except for the barred windows. Walking through the big door into the tiled, room size entryway, the long line of women waiting for visitation had already formed. Only so many men at a time could fit into the visitation room, so the visiting women were allowed in on a "first come first serve" basis. The line progressed as each woman approached the barred door and gave the guard her name and the name of the man she was visiting. After registering for the visit, we were instructed to wait until our name was called.

One set of women was called at a time. Upon hearing our names, we lined up and were allowed into a narrow room off the side of the entryway. A row of chairs lined up in front of a row of windows. We sat down and waited for our men to appear.

Wilson was glad to see us, but I remained aloof. I was only there for Andrew. I held Andrew on the ledge in front of the window so he could see his Dad. After a couple glances Andrew noticed him, but for the most part he was more interested in climbing back into my lap and pulling on the shirtsleeves of the women sitting on either side of me.

Wilson wanted us to come back again; but taking the bus to the workhouse was too difficult, what with putting the stroller on and off the bus and making the connections. On top of that, I was still mad at him. But Wilson wrote and called daily. Sober in the workhouse, he was making promises.

"I'll never drink again if you marry me."

While Wilson was in the workhouse, Wanda moved out of her house. This didn't surprise me; she and her family seemed to move every six months or so for various reasons. She called to tell me to come to the house to get the things Wilson had stored there. Not having a car, I called Wanda's mother, Yvonne, to ask if she would help me move Wilson's things.

"Get your white people to help you," Yvonne said, and hung up.

I wasn't going to call my "white people." Wilson was in the workhouse for crashing up the car given me. There was no way I was going to ask them to come all the way down to the south side to help get his things moved. So Wilson lost his possessions, including his mother's sewing machine.

________________________________________________________

In early June, when Andrew was about six-months-old, I borrowed a car and took him up to Salmon Lake to get enrolled in the tribe. When I arrived at Walter's house, he was around back in the yard. Seeing me, he smiled, walked over and gave me a hug. He was still agile and able to get around, but his mind was becoming forgetful. He would forget he had just bought bread or potatoes and would go buy more. Annie laughed about how many lemons were in the fridge.

We sat down with Dorothy on a blanket in the shade and talked. Andrew lay between us, his chubby legs waving in the summer air.

As the afternoon wore on, Andrew' bottle emptied.

"Paul," Dorothy called to her son, "go fill this bottle up."

It bothered me that Paul and the other kids were ordered around so much.

"No," I said, quickly standing up. "I can take care of my kid." I took the bottle in the house and filled it myself.

Later that day while unpacking, I kept Andrew's bottles in my bag and kept all our things in the middle of the bed. I didn't want to bring any roaches home.

After enrolling Andrew, I spent the next day with Walter, driving him 14 miles to town to buy tires. As we drove into the tire lot, Walter motioned, saying, "Oh, I forgot my money. We have to go back."

I pulled back out of the lot. When we arrived at his home, he got out of the car and began walking up the sidewalk. Halfway to the door, he stopped, turned, and fished in his pocket.

"Oh," he said looking into his wallet, "I had money with me all along."

We drove back to the lot. As it turned out, this was the last time he recognized me and the last time we enjoyed time together.

.